1/9/2006
woke up listening to "shout to the lord"... haiz.. looked around... thought to myself.. wad do i have today... caregroup... tuition... and nothing else... SI BEH SIAN NA!!!
brushed my teeth and used the computer... cannot go in audition... nvm.. played dota...
-wtf.. wow... so gay... nvm...
looked at the time EH! 1200 liao.. omg.. late for cg... took a shower and off i went.. went to switch off my computer first.. eh... joel still online... asked... u not going to cg ar.. kao.. he slept infront of the com... lucky i woke him up.. if not im the only guy at cg... cg at where? ikea... siao.. so far...
wth... nv alight at the correct stop! over shot! walk back -.-"... reach cg.. sms jq... is jem and yk there.. she said no.. WA PIANG!!! nvm... went inside to look for her.. huh... y central b2 also here... orh.. combine cg.. nvm.. joel came 5mins later... yk at home slping not coming.. jem and keith playing lan.. dotz!.. than i come here for wad!!! somemore i dragged myself out of the house sia... played a stupid game... wa walked through a maze... take soooo long to walk out of ikea... finally finish the game le.. we lost... nvm... went to bk to eat... hate the food there... nvm ba... hungry... oops... i burped.. did not expect it to be so loud.. =P... played murderer... lame sia.. grace no reaction de... dun even know she died... anw.. went back with jq.. 4pm got tuition... jq had to go chalet... wa.. reach home just on time.. the tutor reached my house 2min earlier... nvm.. here comes the part which PISSED ME OFF... he came to my house and tell me.. " i actually want the tuition to be tomorrow morning.." i was thinking... "can/t u just call me and tell me that??" he read my mind! " i lost ur contact number thus was not able to call u..." i was like "orh.. so" than he realise that i still had my flu.. and said.."eh!, u still have ur flu ar... i having headache now... thats why i wanted the tution to be tomorrow"... i was like "tell me now for wad... since u here have tuition la...." and he said... "i think we have tuition tomorrow better" !!!
WHAT!!! make me rush all the way back home and tell me dun want to have tuition... and change it to tomorrow??? gave him my contact and stoned at home... that is when i have theis sense of emptyness within me again... i was like.. why do i feel like this?? I FEEL LIKE CRYING! and i did... i cried... for 1hour... couldnt stop myself.. i felt very upset.. did not tell anyone about it.. i do not feel like going out with my family anymore.. i wanted to be with someone who can understand me... but no understands me... the emptyness hurts... my sis and father, along with me couz, went out to fetch my mum and went for dinner... i sat at home.. went crazy... i did excercises to tire myself out.. so that this emptyness within me will disappear.. but it didnt.. soon later.. i cried again.. till one of my sister friend came to play majong... i let him in and acted that nothing happened... i sat infront of the computer and dazed... soon later, my family returned.. my sister and friends played majong while i was beside them msning.. i did not know what to do.. i felt that i did not have a purpose in my life... and talked to ppl who i "think" can make me happier... but.. nope.. watch army daze... haha... yes.. it made me laugh... but after awhile.. i was back to myself again.. all depressed... went to my room and stared at the ceiling.. i stood up, opened the window.. and looked up.. i wondered how will it be like... to be up there.. in space... to discover the unknowns... closed myself.. felt as though i was swimming in the deep blue sea.. where all the creatures are.... whales... are one of the fascinating creatures i know... and bam.. i was back to reality.. i hugged my leg.. and cried again... yes.. im a boy... i shouldnt be crying... but i have emotions... i was lost... did not know wad to do... after awhile i shut my eyes and fell aslp...

2/9/2006

woke up.. its 955... the tutor will be coming soon... ding dong... here he is.... i am so "excited"... yay... 2 hours of tution... haha... so hungry -.-... tuition was over... yay.. on my computer... and went to slp... diao rite... why? cause i felt empty again... i decided to take a cold bath.. and meet jem and keith... waiting for them at the mrt... dam long... read the newspaper... haha... not funny... sian na... finally here they come.. take mrt all the way to orchard.. wa.. so long.. sian na.. i was hungry... really hungry... took out a packet of pocky... no ordinary packet of pocky.. but a strwberry flavour pocky... ate it.. did not get the chance to eat my lunch.. went for service... clap and jumped sang my voice out!!! ARGH!!! i wanted to scream out loud!! i wanted to release the pain in me!!! but i couldnt... pastor jeff made us laughed as he joked and told us his stories... sharing... courage... after everything.. one last song.. before we went off... i couldnt bear to leave.. so i decided to sing out loud to god.. and i did.. went to starhub for dinner finally i can EAT! yong tou fu... ns.... said grace and BAM!!! i ate... makes me feel like eating it again... after the meal.. jem joel and i went to play lan.. practically trashed the other team..(on bnet) in dota... joel went to join yk for a movie.. and than it came to me again.. movie.. saturday night... felt like crying.. but jem was next to me.. we continued walking towards douby ghaut mrt.. i turned and i saw 2 groups of ppl behnd meridien.. meeting.. ppl from my church... and than it came to be again.. saturday night.. walked passed there and saw... the sense of emptyness came back to me again.. tried to make myself happy... and make a fool out of myself.. but didnt.. entered the train with jem and we played KOF on gameboy.. after he left.. i was alone again.. i turned off the gameboy and dazed... i went off the train at cck and walked home... every step i took... made me think.. wad is my purpose.. why do i feel like this and so on... reached home.. i took a shower and came out... argh... the pain... i turned on the tap and drowned myself... i felt like killing myself... so that i do not feel the pain i have in me.. i may look normal.. but i dont.. i make a fool of myself and punk ppl so that i will try to make sure im not feeling depressed again... and now as im typing this blog... the sense of emptyness lingers deep within me..

though it did not last long... my evol is still there... i dont know why... i think really really dekil u..
*samantha... teach me how to cut ******************... u know...